What is the sound of one hand clapping?

The above title is a Japanese Koan. A Koan is a riddle which may not have one answers. It may not have any answer. This open added style provokes thinking and meditation. My guess is that the answers depends on individual life experiences ( and thus differs from one person to another). In fact, at different points of time in life, the answers ,and maybe the subject for pondering, may change.

Now that I have at home healing, I shall offer some of my own reflection.

The doctor diagnosed me having an autoimmune disease - meaning that my immune system is attacking itself. They could initially be a virus, I'm not sure. But my immune system keeps on attacking my own body parts perceiving that there is virus or some sort, where there actually isn't any! Is my immune system hearing sound of one hand clapping.

Searches for the cause of this problem through in the internet results in ... nothing. There is no known direct cause to my problem. But there a big clue : Stress! many sites suggested that stress could be a trigger. This rings a bell because my colleague just the other day when my fever is starting suggests that I could be having some unconscious stress.

Upon reflection I could be...just the other day I hear one of my other colleague saying that " If I ever get a B for my exams, I will cry" This come as a shock to me actually. I told her that I would be satisfied with any of my subjects getting a B - wouldn't I?

Have I been subconsciously aiming too high? becoming a perfectionist? I have already mentioned that I pity my own students because I can see that they are in tremendous pressure to perform to the best. That is why I usually takes a softer approach compare to the days I taught in secondary school. Most of them are already very motivated, maybe too motivated to a point of breaking down. Perhaps it is me that subconsciously bring myself to a point of stress level, that I am hearing the sound of one hand clapping. And thus the breakdown of my immune system.

Being PERFECT vs Being SPECIAL

I must admit that in my days teaching in secondary school, life is more hectic; but it may not be as stressful. A lesson needs not be perfect. When we say perfect, we usually have to be perfect by a benchmark or standard set by other people or the society! On the one hand, my totally agree that in the society today, we are living in a world of benchmarking; if we are not good enough, compared to others, we don't even get the course of study we want in the university. Even after getting a degree, the first class honours are the ones who get the job interview first... but is this what we want. In my opinion, being perfect just makes us a better robot ( If you win a rat race, that just makes you a better rat!) How about being special? Being special comes from a quality from within! When you doing something, and you feel satisfied about it truly, because your heart tells you so. This truly special quality appeals people in a very different way than being perfect.

A pianist who plays in perfect pitch, perfect tempo, in perfect intonation, well is just as good as a ... computer - a machine. A truly good pianist plays from the heart; the emotions felt by the audience from a piece of music from heart has a certain quality words are difficult to describe. It just moves you to tears.

In retrospect, when I teach in secondary school, my lessons are far from perfect from the standard. This is especially true with my Character Education CE lessons for co-form class. It is an secondary 3 normal academic class. I have asked permission to change the lessons structure and content of the CE lessons from the HOD, and I am glad to be granted the permission - and importantly the trust that I can alter the lessons better suited for the students. I turned the syllabus upside down, filtering those items I think that useful to them, injecting lots of extra stuff. I rent videos to for them to watch, ask them to write reflection after that ... In my heart , I sincerly hope that although the lessons are far from perfect, I hope that the lessons are special, for it is for them.

I trully understand what one of my ex-principal I work under says : the five fingers are of different length, they should be. What is important is to develop each of them to their fullest potential.

Similarly my scouting syllabus are a bit off compared to the scouting standards. I had the understanding and trust of the HODs and P to change some of the activities to cater to the small, neighbourhood scout troop. Together with the volunteer leaders - I have alot of help from them because they can relate to young kids better and I am always learning from them - we change and alter a number of the scouting activities to suit the needs of the students. In fact I have authorise a number of 'illegal' or I should say unothorox games. I have a confession to make, I actually said, " Rules can be bend, but it must be bent for the good of the students!"

I think this succintly summarise my stand of being perfect and being special. On the one hand, to a huge extend I must agree, we must follow the social norms and attain a certain benchmark set against others ( especially in exams) . On the other hand, the quality of being special comes from the heart, comes from the true understand of your students / customer / client ...

I am still struggling to attain this balance.